Well, your draft is over, or almost over, and it will be a few weeks until your team takes the floor. What is a Sports.ws franchise owner to do with himself?  It’s time to talk some trash. As a public service to leagues everywhere, I have been enlisted to encourage, enlighten and generally attempt to elevate the level of trash talk that will have to be endured across this site.

We must begin with the first decisions that an owner makes. Before a single message is posted, your entire league will be judging you based on several basic decisions. The first and most important of these is your choice of a user name. No matter how strong a trash talk posting is, comments attributed to fantasystudhoss cannot be taken seriously. Any name that promotes your mental or physical prowess will be immediately recognized as overcompensation for more obvious shortcomings. A strong franchise name is also a must for establishing a base line of credibility. While I can’t possibly hold you to the gold standard of The Ceballos Yachting Club, you are clearly not a player if you resort to labeling your squad The Alpena Aardvarks or The Sheboygan Frogs. Any team name referring to Kobe or Eagle County will simply alert everyone that the league douche bag has arrived. If this already seems a bit taxing to you, or if you’re a CPA, lawyer or a librarian you might not want to bother reading on. The rest of you may proceed with my focus on the dos and don’ts of trash talking.

Do perform a Google search of your opponents for web sites and personal references.

Don’t hesitate to publicize the modeling photo your rival once sent to Oakley Sunglasses or his membership in the Society of Fluent Vulcans.

Do your best to create slanderous nicknames for you opponents and refuse to refer to them as anything else.

Don’t think that you can wear down your inept, ignorant and undeniably unlikable commissioner to the point where he changes his username to Selig. That’s why I’m writing and you’re reading.

Do make every effort to be creative. Draft press releases for competing franchises and fabricate interviews with their strength coach. Creating another team’s “unsanctioned mascot” shows style and effort.

Don’t break out with the “all ugly team”, “all stars from 1996” or “all arrest record” postings that have been plaguing leagues for years.

Do infuse random pop culture references into your trash talk.

Don’t be surprised when the short, insecure wanna-be playa’ quits the league because you quoted Skee Low’s classic, “I wish”, as if it were his diary entry.

Do cast your league as if a movie version were being made.

Don’t expect the guys for whom you cast Jim J. Bullock and Kathy Bates to be pleased.

Do avoid blatantly racist, sexist and homophobic references.

Don’t pass on a subtle opportunity to question a certain owner’s “man crush” on Alonzo Mourning.

Do assault your opponent with unique statistics.

Don’t think for a second that there is a come back for pointing out that, while your rival holds out hope that his back up center will still win the game for him, Etan Thomas has never had more than five rebound on the second night of back to back games against Western Conference teams.

Do take plenty of time to respond to any trash talk directed towards you.

Don’t get drawn into a juvenile Clayton/Salisbury style rapid-fire insult session.


No matter what you decide to say, get in there and say something. The only thing worse than bad trash talk is no trash talk. With a little effort from all of us we may never again have to experience the “friend of a friend” who drafts Ray Allen second overall, makes no roster moves, posts no messages and finishes the year 3-52. May he rest in peace. Comments? Criticism? Well, unless you were helping to hand score the original Sports.ws league from a University of Wisconsin dorm room in 1995 you’re simply not qualified and I don’t want to hear it.

Until next time……